Is starting to get to me I think. The average age that a girl loses her virginity is just under 16 (which I think is too young).
Physical relationships are very present in my fantasies, and more so as I've gotten older.
I mean, in a world where girls are starting puberty younger than ever (I began my period at ten, began the first signs of maturation at nine) girls are doing things their minds aren't ready for.

I'd always been terrified I'd be one of them. It makes sense when I think about it, I feel the same way about eating as I do about sex. I'm afraid if I ever do it I won't be able to control myself & become a slut. You know, just like if I have a piece of cake I won't be able to control myself & eat the whole thing. I guess it stems from the bimbos my older brothers dated as I was growing up, I was certain that I'd become one of them unless I resisted all romantic contact with men.

There is one guy I keep thinking about, he works at the bank inside the local Walmart.
I don't know his name (need to look at the name tag) but I look for him everytime I'm there.
I love that exciting feeling you get when you think you might get to see him & when you do & you feel your heart drop. It feels so good.
But makes me sad because I know that's as far as I have ever, ever gotten to a relationship.
And I feel like that's as far as I ever will get. I mean, when this happens my natural instinct is make up a role for him in my fantasies, but it's just not the same.

The older I get, the more they fail to satisfy what really want. It is so aggravating, no matter how into my imagining I am, it can't satisfy that yearning.
It's not working anymore. I want the real thing, but I can't, I don't know how.
My real self is trapped behind a wall when it comes to socialising.
I've been suppressing everything for so long... I mean I keep having these recurrent dreams where I am screaming at someone I so mad. Last night I dreamt that I was shrieking & crying at my parents to get me to my therapist's appointment because I have to see her.
I mean I'm swearing, crying, hitting things & just going nuts & it feels so good.

There is red-hot rage contained inside me, it baffles me how much is in there.
I also dreamt a few days ago that I was stealing something from a store & when I got caught I didn't feel I had done anything wrong. Because I've grown up so poor I felt like (and do feel like) I am entitled to it, that god damnit I have been denied so many opportunities I can steal some hair care product I am ENTITLED you fat-cat motherf---ers.

The real me behind all this social phobia is quite opinionated, brash & even narcissistic.
Someday I truly believe I will explode (remember Annie on 90120? the volcano?).

Anger is an understatement, it is fury. Literally fury at everything.