Pride without a cause
Posted by Comman_Anomaly | Posted in | Posted on Tuesday, November 10, 2009
You know my mom mentioned to me earlier about patients (she is a nurse) who are in love with their pain. That they romanticize it & eventually when they are without it they feel without a cause. Oh crap, I think I am one of those people. I like the title of being crazy or avoidant or "personality disorder." I am a secret narcissist. It's weird how I can have these secret thoughts of loving the feeling of being important by having a disorder. A part of me is in love with it, in fact I have a sense of pride when me & my therapist talk about my social anxiety (when I want the diagnosis of avoidant damnit!) when I think to myself "That's only half the story/If you only knew." It's ridiculous when I think about it, as ridiculous as being proud to deprive my body of food & fantasise about sporting an emaciated body.
I wonder how many people like me have secret (secret meaning we don't want to come off as self-centered so we keep these thoughts to ourselves) narcissistic patterns.
I mean, myself unwalled & in reality is someone who has an obsession with her illness & feels a sense of pride from having so much insight that the "normies" don't.
Considering I am an utter expert on my "condition" I think I am in love with my pain.
Also that fact that my problems are getting better overall I feel a sense of loss because part of me likes to suffer & spill out my guts of the horror of avoidant\maladaptive daydreaming life.
I wonder I wonder... this may not makes sense but if I didn't hate being the center of attention I'd love it.
Like, I've wondered what it'd be like to check into a mental health hospital (Girl, Interrupted gave me the idea). I've thought that I'd be the most put-together nut of the bunch.
Ridiculous isn't it?
I'm just a self-hating narcissist. XD
I wonder how many people like me have secret (secret meaning we don't want to come off as self-centered so we keep these thoughts to ourselves) narcissistic patterns.
I mean, myself unwalled & in reality is someone who has an obsession with her illness & feels a sense of pride from having so much insight that the "normies" don't.
Considering I am an utter expert on my "condition" I think I am in love with my pain.
Also that fact that my problems are getting better overall I feel a sense of loss because part of me likes to suffer & spill out my guts of the horror of avoidant\maladaptive daydreaming life.
I wonder I wonder... this may not makes sense but if I didn't hate being the center of attention I'd love it.
Like, I've wondered what it'd be like to check into a mental health hospital (Girl, Interrupted gave me the idea). I've thought that I'd be the most put-together nut of the bunch.
Ridiculous isn't it?
I'm just a self-hating narcissist. XD
I thought I was only like this. Its nice to see Im not alone.But yea, I understand the whole "feeling of being important by having a disorder" thing.
Wrong. It isn't, in any way, "nice" to know others feel this. It's disgusting and makes me feel pathetic.