So feel I am UNWORTHY
Posted by Comman_Anomaly | Posted in | Posted on Thursday, November 05, 2009
I called my ABA (Anorexics & Bulimics Anonymous) sponsor tonight to check in for the week.
I called at about 6:30 tonight & left a message & she'll usually call back at 7:30 or so.
But she didn't & I instantly felt that since her life is full of recovery & wonder (and she's dating this new guy which she's "falling for") & that since that I'm just so very insignificant & that she has much better things to do than talk to me as I struggle to get the conversation over with.
It's not that I dislike her, it's just that.... well I'm jealous. I am, I know I am.
I want a life like hers. And the last thing I want to be is a burden to anyone, so I make as little of myself apparent as possible.
I went to a chatroom & talked about this & other stuff then she called, it was about 10:00 then & chose not to answer it. Partly because it was late, but mostly because somehow I was punishing her for not calling me back sooner & for having a better life than me. I have not a confrontational bone in my body, and I have ways of subtly punishing people, and they never have a clue when they're being punished.
As I just wrote that I started to laugh, how ridiculous is that!?
Punishing her for having a better life & a boyfriend? How dare she, without asking poor ol' me?
*Slaps forehead*
I also spoke to my therapist yesterday who I will finally be able to see again on Tuesday.
I left her tearful message the night before detailing my realisation about my isolation & shyness.
She agreed that it's more than shyness & could tell that she may have been thinking disorder.
But one thing at a time, I have no intention of letting the fantasies bomb drop yet. I haven't even cleared the rubble from letting it drop on myself.
What's been driving me so buggy ever since it dropped is the chicken & the egg question: which came first. the imaginary world or the avoidant personality?
Did my avoidance lead me to develop another world, or did my other world lead me to have an avoidant life? Or maybe something between that?
This is the question that hurts so badly; why. F---ing WHY!?!?!?!
Not why me, just why?
I called at about 6:30 tonight & left a message & she'll usually call back at 7:30 or so.
But she didn't & I instantly felt that since her life is full of recovery & wonder (and she's dating this new guy which she's "falling for") & that since that I'm just so very insignificant & that she has much better things to do than talk to me as I struggle to get the conversation over with.
It's not that I dislike her, it's just that.... well I'm jealous. I am, I know I am.
I want a life like hers. And the last thing I want to be is a burden to anyone, so I make as little of myself apparent as possible.
I went to a chatroom & talked about this & other stuff then she called, it was about 10:00 then & chose not to answer it. Partly because it was late, but mostly because somehow I was punishing her for not calling me back sooner & for having a better life than me. I have not a confrontational bone in my body, and I have ways of subtly punishing people, and they never have a clue when they're being punished.
As I just wrote that I started to laugh, how ridiculous is that!?
Punishing her for having a better life & a boyfriend? How dare she, without asking poor ol' me?
*Slaps forehead*
I also spoke to my therapist yesterday who I will finally be able to see again on Tuesday.
I left her tearful message the night before detailing my realisation about my isolation & shyness.
She agreed that it's more than shyness & could tell that she may have been thinking disorder.
But one thing at a time, I have no intention of letting the fantasies bomb drop yet. I haven't even cleared the rubble from letting it drop on myself.
What's been driving me so buggy ever since it dropped is the chicken & the egg question: which came first. the imaginary world or the avoidant personality?
Did my avoidance lead me to develop another world, or did my other world lead me to have an avoidant life? Or maybe something between that?
This is the question that hurts so badly; why. F---ing WHY!?!?!?!
Not why me, just why?
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