An overactive imagination gone horribly wrong
Posted by Comman_Anomaly | Posted in | Posted on Wednesday, November 04, 2009
I am quite preoccupied with the past, thinking back to how it used to be & trying to recreate it at times. And now I remember my state a year ago, just about to go head first into the chaos of bulimia. I was literally a different person, totally on the dark about myself, trying to drown out that truth with peanut butter crackers. It sucked, it really did. Luckily I went into treatment just about as soon as my bulimia began. I thought therapy would save me, it wasn't the answer although I love my therapist. I sort of miss the darkness, they say ignorance is bliss, I miss that ignorance.
Implosion, Marya Hornbacher talked about it. That's what anorexia is, and ultimately if were not recovering that's probably where I'd end up.
The eating disorder goes right along with the fantasies. Utter disassociation, numbness & control. Getting rid of that avoidant, hypersensitive personality by starving it away. Maybe then the fantasies won't matter, the isolation & loneliness.
I've been in imaginary land as much I was before, I took a hiatus after I admitted it (admitted to God that we were powerless...) to myself. I expected it to return though, but now I feel almost guilty as if I let it return. But I have no power, it is so deeply ingrained in my head a life without barely seems like a possibility in this realm. My eating disorder's roots are no where near as long as my fantasies' are.
My natural state is unnatural, me as I like to be is pretending to be someone else. It comes to me more naturally than being me is.
How do I change that? For me, being told to "be yourself" takes on a totally different meaning.
I don't know who the f!@# I am. All I know is that I don't like her, she's boring, undeserving & sick. If I'm going to be someone with a mental illness I'll be the girl in my fantasies & have bipolar, I'm not as stigmatized about bipolar as I am about my own illness.
I know, I have a stigma on myself. I view myself as a flawed being, just wrong. Wrong.
I want a break from this mess of a mind.
Implosion, Marya Hornbacher talked about it. That's what anorexia is, and ultimately if were not recovering that's probably where I'd end up.
The eating disorder goes right along with the fantasies. Utter disassociation, numbness & control. Getting rid of that avoidant, hypersensitive personality by starving it away. Maybe then the fantasies won't matter, the isolation & loneliness.
I've been in imaginary land as much I was before, I took a hiatus after I admitted it (admitted to God that we were powerless...) to myself. I expected it to return though, but now I feel almost guilty as if I let it return. But I have no power, it is so deeply ingrained in my head a life without barely seems like a possibility in this realm. My eating disorder's roots are no where near as long as my fantasies' are.
My natural state is unnatural, me as I like to be is pretending to be someone else. It comes to me more naturally than being me is.
How do I change that? For me, being told to "be yourself" takes on a totally different meaning.
I don't know who the f!@# I am. All I know is that I don't like her, she's boring, undeserving & sick. If I'm going to be someone with a mental illness I'll be the girl in my fantasies & have bipolar, I'm not as stigmatized about bipolar as I am about my own illness.
I know, I have a stigma on myself. I view myself as a flawed being, just wrong. Wrong.
I want a break from this mess of a mind.
I find your posts very interesting. I'm not alone that's for sure!