No I will NOT
Posted by Comman_Anomaly | Posted in | Posted on Saturday, November 21, 2009
My deep depression seems to have lifted for now, I asked my higher power to take it away.
But....... I am so *deeply* in la-la land I feel like that's where this
My fantasies are not something I do, they're WHAT I do. Often if I am in the living room talking to my parents in my head I'm pretending I'm talking to some of my "friends." So I am totally engaged while in this state. I have been so totally immersed in it that I'm lucky I've put time aside to write this as myself.
I'm sorry to whine but I feel like I'm the only one who has such a severe case of this. It's been this severe for six years, it is a total obsession. It has become my life & when I pass a mirror I am unpleasantly reminded that 'Oh damn I guess I am me, crap.'
I have been in a twelve-step program for anorexia & bulimia, you have to "surrender" yourself & your eating disorder to a higher power. Fine, take the damn thing. But my "friends..." don't you get your hands on that! That's mine! That's my LIFE!
I tried to giving it god once, but I firmly believe that that was not a true letting go, only a break where I could see what was truly wrong. You know, eating disorders are severe, life-threatening illnesses, but I'll give that up a thousand times (and that's saying ALOT, believe me I'm not taking it lightly) before my fantasies. They are so much more deeply ingrained, they're rooted in my core, it's just what I do.
I am more violently resistent to giving this up than ever, no one can take this away from me.
I cannot live as only myself, I just can't.
So where am I? Taking steps back? I'm not intending to let go my spirituality, but I just flat didn't want to call my sponser last week mostly because of the dark grey. And I haven't been emailing her what I've eaten everyday like I was.
And now I'll have to choke out tomorrow how I've been in a depression.
The world pulls so much out of you, it wants to mold you into a perfect image of its finest state.
I'm sick, so the fuck what? It's who I am, I don't need doctors & therapists & people telling me it's not healthy. It's none of their god damned buisness.
But....... I am so *deeply* in la-la land I feel like that's where this
My fantasies are not something I do, they're WHAT I do. Often if I am in the living room talking to my parents in my head I'm pretending I'm talking to some of my "friends." So I am totally engaged while in this state. I have been so totally immersed in it that I'm lucky I've put time aside to write this as myself.
I'm sorry to whine but I feel like I'm the only one who has such a severe case of this. It's been this severe for six years, it is a total obsession. It has become my life & when I pass a mirror I am unpleasantly reminded that 'Oh damn I guess I am me, crap.'
I have been in a twelve-step program for anorexia & bulimia, you have to "surrender" yourself & your eating disorder to a higher power. Fine, take the damn thing. But my "friends..." don't you get your hands on that! That's mine! That's my LIFE!
I tried to giving it god once, but I firmly believe that that was not a true letting go, only a break where I could see what was truly wrong. You know, eating disorders are severe, life-threatening illnesses, but I'll give that up a thousand times (and that's saying ALOT, believe me I'm not taking it lightly) before my fantasies. They are so much more deeply ingrained, they're rooted in my core, it's just what I do.
I am more violently resistent to giving this up than ever, no one can take this away from me.
I cannot live as only myself, I just can't.
So where am I? Taking steps back? I'm not intending to let go my spirituality, but I just flat didn't want to call my sponser last week mostly because of the dark grey. And I haven't been emailing her what I've eaten everyday like I was.
And now I'll have to choke out tomorrow how I've been in a depression.
The world pulls so much out of you, it wants to mold you into a perfect image of its finest state.
I'm sick, so the fuck what? It's who I am, I don't need doctors & therapists & people telling me it's not healthy. It's none of their god damned buisness.
Could you tell some more about your "world"..?
Like what happens? Who's in it? How do they look? And stuff?
My world is much like a soap opera. Everyone has a history & usually have a celebrity that I imagine they look somewhat like, to personalise it more. My main character, whom I pretend to be the most is tall & looks like a cross between Jessica Stroup & Autamn Reeser.
Her boyfriend, who I never quite chose a person who he looks like, is also tall & very good-looking & they've been together for a year ever since he got lung cancer from smoking. Right now him & her are pretty happy except I've decided that she's developing feelings for her BF's cousin who lives with them at the moment, although they don't know it yet. Sometimes it's sort of hard to talk in detail about it all, perhaps because of how personal it is, but just about everyone has as real of life history as any real person does.
Wow! That's so interesting. Kinda sounds like my "story"..
I've got two main characters as well, a guy and a girl. Neither of them really look like a celebrity, but the rest of the "cast" (haha) are characters from Gossip Girl, bands and different movies..
I'm not as addicted to daydreaming as you, I believe. I only do it before i'm going to bed.. Even though i can spend days in my "world".
I kinda love it, it's like a movie in my head, except I decide the whole story.. It's weird that other people "daydream" too...
Have you had several stories or is it just that one? =)
It's mainly just that one, although I will frequently relive an especially enjoyable "scene" from before if I like. And over the years it all slowly changes, I phase some people out & phase new ones in.
Exactly like a soap opera because my cast is almost totally different than five years ago.
Haha okay, I've had two main stories, and then sometimes I try to make up new ones, but I always go back to my favourite story though, I just love the characters so much.
I do play some scenes over and over again too (they may change some), and I go back and forward in time. It gets kinda boring sometimes, when I don't have a good story.. I need some inspiration.. Haha.
I've had this story for three years, and then my other one lasted for 4 years =).
Love your blog btw.