I wish mental illness were a personal failing, an inability to cope, my fault. If it was then I could fix it, I could own up & correct it. But it's something I was born with, a genetically predetermined yet random bran condition. Reaching into my head & corrects the misfired neurons & serotonin & whatever-nephrine is just not as easy as it sounds.

I had a rollercoaster week after my last nutty post, although I have been normal for three days now. Hmmmm, nice but now that I've had such a high up I wish it'd happen again.
Stable is nice, but..... *whispers* I miss the high

:/

Okay so I have been thinking about the whole bipolar thing, yes no maybe, but I don't think I've ever been hypomanic, but then again most people don't take as much notice to their ups as their downs.
But if I have never had an up "episode" before, I did yesterday.
On the way to my meeting, just all of a sudden I was so elated, tranquil though, not really you energetic, just like someone had hit me with a shot of Valium or whatever. Just feeling, so good, warm all over. Then when I got there I got alot more restless, I was tapping my foot like crazy, everyone was so pretty, I never noticed! I guess I was a little more social, not crazy social though because of course it's still me, but you know I read out of the book easily! No blushing!

And then after I talked to my sponsor, I'm not really mad at her anymore (why was I mad? so what she has a good life?) & told her about the bipolar thing & etc. although I didn't mention how high I was feeling. But it was weird because I kept going from quietly euphoric, peaceful to up & trying to repress laughter (yes I remembered Katrina! she was here before & she had electrolyte water & kept beating herself up!) & then I sunk back to a good normal, still thinking fast, maybe not as energetic, then normal (scared that I may be sad again soon), then back to peacefully elated, then hyper happy.

Just wow, I don't know if that had ever happened before, but wouldn't it be weird that as soon as I start keeping a mood chart & wondering about being bipolar I get an "episode?" Gotta be a god thing, yes take some new meds!
I did sleep though, they say you don't need as much sleep. When I got home I was still going through the motions & did feel physically tired, although my head was still restless & I was all fidgety, but hey my body said it was time to sleep & I did. Easily, nice really.

And today I woke up feeling really good, then back to normal now I bit up again.
And you know, this did happen when I was all sad & gloomy, I went from horribly depressed to okay but still down, to a bit hyper & sad.

So I am just enjoying whatever this is, it feels good to feel good. :D

I saw my therapist yesterday (one of the people I actually feel comfortable with) suggested that I may be (!) bipolar. If anyone else other than her had said it, I wouldn't have stopped to think, but come to think of it..... maybe?
But I've never been manic, (happy all of a sudden for no reason? yeah), I think I would know if I were bipolar (not necessarily), my depressions are not certainly as serious as my mom's (true, maybe not yet, but it progresses as you age). She says that since I have given several antidepressants a chance for more than a year now & they have been only marginally effective (best ever was Celexa, best for my insomnia, but eventually wore off a bit), she says we don't know that I'm not bipolar, so that maybe a mood stabiliser would do the trick.

And with bipolar II, the major feature is the depression & not the hypomanias (yes I am well educated on bipolar, of course), I have always had the tendency to be depressed for no reason, ever since I was maybe nine. Just the way it is, I wake up & feel like crap.
And then, there's that 24-hour mood cycle, I become alive at nine to ten at night & want to write, get online, talk to people, joke, watch TV, listen to music & I often pace.
I hate it because it's a cause of my insomnia, every night I always tell myself that tonight will be different, I'll avoid all stimulation (internet, TV, music etc.) & just read.
But I just can't, like my body is telling me (no, you need to be awake). And I always get tired, slow & sad during the afternoons unless I have something to do.

My depression periods usually lasted two to three days for a while, now they're going on for a week or more. And still, no matter what, I get wired at nine at night, to where I am still depressed inside, but alive with thoughts & activity.
I don't know, I...... think I am, I think...... but no, it couldn't be could it?

Ever feel like being "well" is as unnatural & episodic as being sick is for some people?
I feel like I do not know how to be well, like it's just a fluke when I am. I'm just a sick person, I wish I'd just be left alone. I don't want to hear that this is a normal phase that everyone goes through in a 12-step program (and yes I have heard it)..... don't tell me this is a fucking phase!
Hell with it, I'm tired of thinking, no one knows, no one can know how it is like for me because they are not me. And besides they have no idea how ill I am, they have no clue.

"Well, just open up & let someone in, get friends & you'll be happy. Put yourself out there, don't be scared....." Oh for god's sake, leave me alone.

I'm so gloomy right now, sorry.

I began taking Remeron & it sucked, made me feel like a zombie, numb & hungry as hell.
I'm still not any better, not a lick, sucks 'cause I had hoped the Remeron would be be a turn for better, but it was a dud. I did get to go to my meeting yesterday, but oh I don't know.
I just can't go forward, all I see is myself being stripped away, being made into an extroverted, engaging, sweetie-sweet kind of person, someone I'm not. "Oh but that won't happen, you'll still be you...... you'll be super-happy, have love....." bla, bla, bla. It's ever harder when you're in love with your pain, you see it as a tragic beauty of some sort. I think I'm relapsing, restricting again.
I'm so tired of thinking, analyzing every thing about myself, to the point where I can't sleep at night, it's killing me. I don't want to think, I want to just rest.

I feel awful, tired. I was totally hysterical lastnight when I couldn't get to my meeting, terrible.
Absolutley discusting, I didn't even feel bad doing it either.
And all throughout lastnight I was in so much pain.... I don't ever think I've felt anything like it before, like a burning.
I hate being emotional. Anyone ever feel like they just don't want to exist? Not that you want to die, you just don't want anything. Nothing, to be back in the womb.
And you know what? All that crap about showing feelings will desensitise you to them & make them more bearable is a load of crap. I want to disappear more than I ever have before, all this is doing is proving to me that I don't want to do this. I wish I could back two or three years when I had no insight into myself at all & I lived in lala land.

I was trying to remember the last time I felt true happiness. I mean I have good days, where I feel good, but it's a shallow good. And only when I'm in my world.
I remember just after I had the whole spiritual awakening thing I did, happy in the sense that I felt secure & hopeful. That maybe lasted a month & a half? So during October I started to lose the hopefulness. I feel like giving up.

Maybe I should take an anticonvulsant? Who knows.

Considering the whole higher power complex, the magic has gone out of it for me.
Why must this always happen? Why must things burn out? The magic & calming peace of being one with my surroundings & with the power around & in me has burnt out.
I just don't feel it in the way I did. I try, I try to feel the peace of it all but it comes as quickly as it goes. I don't know if this is me just not harnessing it or not, but I do know that I have been bittered all this soul-searching. But can't my HP break through the bitterness? Or is it my job & bla bla to break through? Do I get the magic back, the colorful serenity or should I not expect that again & accept what I get?

I am so sick having to be myself. I tried it, now I'm ready to chuck it in the blender.
You know, what I want it utter depersonalization. Like a dream I had the other night where I was in a TV show as one of the characters, no hint or annoying fact that I am actually me not this person. So totally detached & in another world I wish I could have stayed there.
What I downer I am, it seemed like I was about ready to kick this whole thing to the curb, now I'm just sickofitall. Oh well, at least I have Laney to fall back on.