Going Down....
Posted by Comman_Anomaly | Posted in | Posted on Monday, January 04, 2010
I feel awful, tired. I was totally hysterical lastnight when I couldn't get to my meeting, terrible.
Absolutley discusting, I didn't even feel bad doing it either.
And all throughout lastnight I was in so much pain.... I don't ever think I've felt anything like it before, like a burning.
I hate being emotional. Anyone ever feel like they just don't want to exist? Not that you want to die, you just don't want anything. Nothing, to be back in the womb.
And you know what? All that crap about showing feelings will desensitise you to them & make them more bearable is a load of crap. I want to disappear more than I ever have before, all this is doing is proving to me that I don't want to do this. I wish I could back two or three years when I had no insight into myself at all & I lived in lala land.
I was trying to remember the last time I felt true happiness. I mean I have good days, where I feel good, but it's a shallow good. And only when I'm in my world.
I remember just after I had the whole spiritual awakening thing I did, happy in the sense that I felt secure & hopeful. That maybe lasted a month & a half? So during October I started to lose the hopefulness. I feel like giving up.
Maybe I should take an anticonvulsant? Who knows.
Absolutley discusting, I didn't even feel bad doing it either.
And all throughout lastnight I was in so much pain.... I don't ever think I've felt anything like it before, like a burning.
I hate being emotional. Anyone ever feel like they just don't want to exist? Not that you want to die, you just don't want anything. Nothing, to be back in the womb.
And you know what? All that crap about showing feelings will desensitise you to them & make them more bearable is a load of crap. I want to disappear more than I ever have before, all this is doing is proving to me that I don't want to do this. I wish I could back two or three years when I had no insight into myself at all & I lived in lala land.
I was trying to remember the last time I felt true happiness. I mean I have good days, where I feel good, but it's a shallow good. And only when I'm in my world.
I remember just after I had the whole spiritual awakening thing I did, happy in the sense that I felt secure & hopeful. That maybe lasted a month & a half? So during October I started to lose the hopefulness. I feel like giving up.
Maybe I should take an anticonvulsant? Who knows.
The thing that scares me the most is the idea that what I'm feeling is simply a teenage "phase". Something every pubescent goes through. Does that scare you?