I live about 30-40 miles outside Austin, TX - location of the deliberate plane crash in northwest Austin (I recognise the place, I remember searching for a Party Pig last Halloween drove right by it). I also took a look at Joe Stack's manifesto\suicide "note" that spells out a number of things. This was obviously not impulsive, he had obviously been thinking this if not planning it for a long while. I do however, fail to understand why everyone keeps using the word "shocked" to describe this. Ok yeah I wasn't expecting to wake up this morning & see a plane had flew into an Austin building, but are people really surprised that "one of their own" would do this?
I am not.
Being the utter pacifist that I am, it may seem odd that I can understand, in a way, why he had so much anger. I have rage, not a violent rage, but I am certainly angry. I do not sympathise, but I understand.

I have an insecurity that makes me feel at fault for my life, but when I think about it I mostly blame the outside world. The extroverted, oversexed, undereducated, oversocial, money-hungry, delusional outside world. I often feel that if I had been placed in a better state, better country, better anywhere that I would not have these problems. I came this way, but I feel that my every flaw has been exacerbated by the outside, the real world sucks, so I create a better one, one that is all my own.
Sometimes I think that if I were not poor, if I had not been subjected to this discusting "system" that this state based upon, then I would have had the best everything. The best education (any education I wanted), the best friends, the brightest future, the best psychological treatment (a crappy MHMR with overworked, underpaid pdocs that have grown bitter & tired is not what I need) then I would be much better off. Sometimes I feel a bit of irritation at my parents, but I know they did not cause this, besides it's hard to be mad at something you can't physically see.

Joe Stack's life is the life that I fear I will have, trying & trying to live, over & over again, only to be pushed back down. Your talent & your ideas & your prospects wasted, wasted.
And you know how much I want to do all that? Not very much. I do feel that an introvert, an Enneagram type Four, a me, has a great potential. I have always dreamt of changing the world, but how? How can I when I live somewhere that ensures that you will stay in your place, get knocked up at 15, live off food stamps (if you are "poor enough" for them of course), work several jobs, and be so busy that your kids have no sense of what the world means & grow up ignorant. That is the plan, that is what was planned for me, so that people like me with a fucking IQ number don't change anything.

So kamikaze missions into an IRS building? Not my idea of the right solution, but do I ever know what it's like to have a massive foot pushing your head into the ground.
"I saw it written once that the definition of insanity is repeating the same process over and over and expecting the outcome to suddenly be different", well yes but violence has been repeated over & over again for quite some time now. And things haven't gotten much better.

So where that leaves me, who knows. My Lamictal has been working I think (25mg still, low but no cycling since I began, except for some late last night), I've been much less melencholy & more stable. I have been less tied up in the Schizoid\Avoidant mess, which has been good for my overworked brain.

So to all a good night.