Bitter & Tired

Posted by Comman_Anomaly | Posted in | Posted on Wednesday, December 30, 2009

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Considering the whole higher power complex, the magic has gone out of it for me.
Why must this always happen? Why must things burn out? The magic & calming peace of being one with my surroundings & with the power around & in me has burnt out.
I just don't feel it in the way I did. I try, I try to feel the peace of it all but it comes as quickly as it goes. I don't know if this is me just not harnessing it or not, but I do know that I have been bittered all this soul-searching. But can't my HP break through the bitterness? Or is it my job & bla bla to break through? Do I get the magic back, the colorful serenity or should I not expect that again & accept what I get?

Reality Bites

Posted by Comman_Anomaly | Posted in | Posted on Tuesday, December 29, 2009

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I am so sick having to be myself. I tried it, now I'm ready to chuck it in the blender.
You know, what I want it utter depersonalization. Like a dream I had the other night where I was in a TV show as one of the characters, no hint or annoying fact that I am actually me not this person. So totally detached & in another world I wish I could have stayed there.
What I downer I am, it seemed like I was about ready to kick this whole thing to the curb, now I'm just sickofitall. Oh well, at least I have Laney to fall back on.

Slowish

Posted by Comman_Anomaly | Posted in | Posted on Saturday, December 26, 2009

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Not a whole lot to post. I am very obsessed with the Twilight series (I'm on Breaking Dawn right now) as well as The Vampire Diaries I've decided that Maurice has a daughter (oh boy everyone loves the you have a teenage daughter story, hi nice to meet 'ya!). And I keep doing my classic passive-agressive method of dealing with people.
My brother & sister-in-law came by the other day & I could easily hear them from back in my room but I purposely stayed back there in attempt to make them pay I guess for not caring about me enough to even say one single word *to me& about my ED. Don't care about me? Fine, I don't care about you.

;)

Too much feeling

Posted by Comman_Anomaly | Posted in | Posted on Wednesday, December 23, 2009

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Have you ever felt so sick of being alive? Not that I want to die, I'm not suicidal, but just so tired of having to feel? I wish I had no emotions & could detach like I used to, but now I feel that I cannot go back. I hate these strong emotions, I just want calm peace. It has been a very long time since I have felt a genuine happiness. Sure I'll have good days, I'm not on the brink of crying all the time but my overall sense of stability in myself & the future is non-existent.
I am also becoming increasingly annoyed by having to have a sponsor, I have no faith in her having any sympathy at all with my non-eating issues. I feel like it is such a thorn in my side to have to call her & apparently I'm supposed to go into detail about my "stuff."
That's what I have a therapist for!

Ugh, doesn't help either that I'm interpreting all this as a larger stomach which by the way looked huge lastnight I could not stand it, then after I calmed down a bit I realised it wasn't great but not that bad.

*Bangs head against desk*

Piece of Me

Posted by Comman_Anomaly | Posted in | Posted on Tuesday, December 15, 2009

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I suppose that I can't really be of any help to any other people like me unless I actually spill this secret to someone other than who may be reading this. I have underwent so many amazing life experiences by doing this, I have been deeply in love, had my heart broken, had a book published, almost died, been alone, been happy, been miserable. These are are things that reflect my enormous inner world which is bigger than my outer one in many respects. I am many people, I am Elaine, I am Pauline, I am Maurice, I am Joel I am them. And they are me.

Today Maurice's sister is visiting us in our nice California house. She looks a bit like Allison Sweeney, me & her (Elaine\Laynie) didn't have much in common until we both realised that we both love the Twilight series. We squealed & folded clothes & talked about it for a bit. Her name is Claudia & she's been very close to the others (Dominique my B\F, Pauline (his sister) & Maurice (their cousin) so she's already a mutual friend.

I've also been partially doing the Joel & Desire drama, it's great lol. She's pregnant but has had her reproductive system so messed up from previous years of severe anorexia that it's amazing that she got knocked up in the first place, so no one knows if the pregnancy will take. And meanwhile (oh BTW this is in NB, Canada, they know the other people in Cali, they just moved from Canada to Cali) & her current significant other Joel is Laynie's ex (lol Desiree is a very close friend of Laynie's, they met in an eating disorder's treatment center in England ten years ago) & he's always been all over the place messed up. I've mostly been doing that one sort of half-assed in my head.
So that's a piece of me. <3

Back at last!

Posted by Comman_Anomaly | Posted in | Posted on Tuesday, December 15, 2009

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The Internet is FINALLY back on! *Cheers*

So I did something so completely un-schizoid & mushy; I cried in front of my parents.
Embarrassing of course, because I am supposed to be the good one, the rock with no problems.
I'm glad I did it, it sucked but at least it's over & I have a new lease on everything.
You know, like a week or so ago I was beginning to relapse into my anorexic self, I didn't see why not. There was no phone, no Internet, my sponsor was out of town even when I did get a chance to call. Made me sick to think of the fact that I crumple into myself when I have no outside contacts.
Only one I do have regardless of electronic or other modern communication is the universe which I call my higher power. I was bouncing in between utter commitment to recovery & complete relapse. I was too overcome by memories by the crap that starvation got me into so thankfully I am now back you could say.

You know it's still uncomfortable to talk about my real self like this, like an ingrown toenail or that awkward feeling when you trim a fingernail too short & the sensitive skin in exposed.
I am much more interested in my other world right now, Laynie has no clue that her boyfriend's cousin has fallen madly in love with her. Ha! Genius!

;)

Stuck

Posted by Comman_Anomaly | Posted in | Posted on Saturday, December 05, 2009

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Gah! My phone & internet is out at home, so I'm writing this from a library computer.
I have been shifting back & forth from all gung-ho surrender to my higher power & recovery to on the brink of full-on relapse. And I have no outlets, my sponser is out of town & I have no internet support either. I just don't know, last night I felt like "Why not relapse?"
And this morning after eating very little I was reading Wasted sort of in a attempt to trigger myself & it did the opposite nonetheless. I'm scared now, there will be a small amount of new groceries today & I don't know what to do with them.
I hope I can make my ABA meeting tomorrow.

Upping Meds, Binging Less

Posted by Comman_Anomaly | Posted in | Posted on Tuesday, December 01, 2009

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So I have decided to *try* 90mg of Cymbalta. I begin it tomorrow, we'll see...

Also I've been overeating a little bit, not asking a power greater than me to free me of it.
Until tonight, I was sitting there with a bag of currants & shredded coconut & I thought to myself "I know this isn't a normal snack, what am I doing? I'm not turning this over to my HP, I can't stop, just look." But I did, I realise what I was doing & had been doing & put it away, I knew I wasn't hungry when I got it, but excuses excuses. I put my 60-day sobriety chip on a necklace chain & am now wearing it.

And oh yeah, my other persona Laynie has been overeating too, still thinner than me & putting on weight, but I like to be make some of my problems hers too, just never any problems with socialising, lol.
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