Considering the whole higher power complex, the magic has gone out of it for me.
Why must this always happen? Why must things burn out? The magic & calming peace of being one with my surroundings & with the power around & in me has burnt out.
I just don't feel it in the way I did. I try, I try to feel the peace of it all but it comes as quickly as it goes. I don't know if this is me just not harnessing it or not, but I do know that I have been bittered all this soul-searching. But can't my HP break through the bitterness? Or is it my job & bla bla to break through? Do I get the magic back, the colorful serenity or should I not expect that again & accept what I get?

I am so sick having to be myself. I tried it, now I'm ready to chuck it in the blender.
You know, what I want it utter depersonalization. Like a dream I had the other night where I was in a TV show as one of the characters, no hint or annoying fact that I am actually me not this person. So totally detached & in another world I wish I could have stayed there.
What I downer I am, it seemed like I was about ready to kick this whole thing to the curb, now I'm just sickofitall. Oh well, at least I have Laney to fall back on.

Not a whole lot to post. I am very obsessed with the Twilight series (I'm on Breaking Dawn right now) as well as The Vampire Diaries I've decided that Maurice has a daughter (oh boy everyone loves the you have a teenage daughter story, hi nice to meet 'ya!). And I keep doing my classic passive-agressive method of dealing with people.
My brother & sister-in-law came by the other day & I could easily hear them from back in my room but I purposely stayed back there in attempt to make them pay I guess for not caring about me enough to even say one single word *to me& about my ED. Don't care about me? Fine, I don't care about you.

;)

Have you ever felt so sick of being alive? Not that I want to die, I'm not suicidal, but just so tired of having to feel? I wish I had no emotions & could detach like I used to, but now I feel that I cannot go back. I hate these strong emotions, I just want calm peace. It has been a very long time since I have felt a genuine happiness. Sure I'll have good days, I'm not on the brink of crying all the time but my overall sense of stability in myself & the future is non-existent.
I am also becoming increasingly annoyed by having to have a sponsor, I have no faith in her having any sympathy at all with my non-eating issues. I feel like it is such a thorn in my side to have to call her & apparently I'm supposed to go into detail about my "stuff."
That's what I have a therapist for!

Ugh, doesn't help either that I'm interpreting all this as a larger stomach which by the way looked huge lastnight I could not stand it, then after I calmed down a bit I realised it wasn't great but not that bad.

*Bangs head against desk*

I suppose that I can't really be of any help to any other people like me unless I actually spill this secret to someone other than who may be reading this. I have underwent so many amazing life experiences by doing this, I have been deeply in love, had my heart broken, had a book published, almost died, been alone, been happy, been miserable. These are are things that reflect my enormous inner world which is bigger than my outer one in many respects. I am many people, I am Elaine, I am Pauline, I am Maurice, I am Joel I am them. And they are me.

Today Maurice's sister is visiting us in our nice California house. She looks a bit like Allison Sweeney, me & her (Elaine\Laynie) didn't have much in common until we both realised that we both love the Twilight series. We squealed & folded clothes & talked about it for a bit. Her name is Claudia & she's been very close to the others (Dominique my B\F, Pauline (his sister) & Maurice (their cousin) so she's already a mutual friend.

I've also been partially doing the Joel & Desire drama, it's great lol. She's pregnant but has had her reproductive system so messed up from previous years of severe anorexia that it's amazing that she got knocked up in the first place, so no one knows if the pregnancy will take. And meanwhile (oh BTW this is in NB, Canada, they know the other people in Cali, they just moved from Canada to Cali) & her current significant other Joel is Laynie's ex (lol Desiree is a very close friend of Laynie's, they met in an eating disorder's treatment center in England ten years ago) & he's always been all over the place messed up. I've mostly been doing that one sort of half-assed in my head.
So that's a piece of me. <3

The Internet is FINALLY back on! *Cheers*

So I did something so completely un-schizoid & mushy; I cried in front of my parents.
Embarrassing of course, because I am supposed to be the good one, the rock with no problems.
I'm glad I did it, it sucked but at least it's over & I have a new lease on everything.
You know, like a week or so ago I was beginning to relapse into my anorexic self, I didn't see why not. There was no phone, no Internet, my sponsor was out of town even when I did get a chance to call. Made me sick to think of the fact that I crumple into myself when I have no outside contacts.
Only one I do have regardless of electronic or other modern communication is the universe which I call my higher power. I was bouncing in between utter commitment to recovery & complete relapse. I was too overcome by memories by the crap that starvation got me into so thankfully I am now back you could say.

You know it's still uncomfortable to talk about my real self like this, like an ingrown toenail or that awkward feeling when you trim a fingernail too short & the sensitive skin in exposed.
I am much more interested in my other world right now, Laynie has no clue that her boyfriend's cousin has fallen madly in love with her. Ha! Genius!

;)

Gah! My phone & internet is out at home, so I'm writing this from a library computer.
I have been shifting back & forth from all gung-ho surrender to my higher power & recovery to on the brink of full-on relapse. And I have no outlets, my sponser is out of town & I have no internet support either. I just don't know, last night I felt like "Why not relapse?"
And this morning after eating very little I was reading Wasted sort of in a attempt to trigger myself & it did the opposite nonetheless. I'm scared now, there will be a small amount of new groceries today & I don't know what to do with them.
I hope I can make my ABA meeting tomorrow.

So I have decided to *try* 90mg of Cymbalta. I begin it tomorrow, we'll see...

Also I've been overeating a little bit, not asking a power greater than me to free me of it.
Until tonight, I was sitting there with a bag of currants & shredded coconut & I thought to myself "I know this isn't a normal snack, what am I doing? I'm not turning this over to my HP, I can't stop, just look." But I did, I realise what I was doing & had been doing & put it away, I knew I wasn't hungry when I got it, but excuses excuses. I put my 60-day sobriety chip on a necklace chain & am now wearing it.

And oh yeah, my other persona Laynie has been overeating too, still thinner than me & putting on weight, but I like to be make some of my problems hers too, just never any problems with socialising, lol.

Haven't posted much lately, writer's block I guess.
I'm menstrual & felt like I ate too much, that awful feeling of abdominal tightness.
Oh I don't know I've been reading Marya Hornbacher's Madness: A Bipolar Life. Which was sooooo good. Some of her work is triggering, how could it not be, but I sometimes find myself reading over some of the parts about her talking about seeing & feeling her bones.
I don't do proana anymore, so all I have left is just immersing myself in basic info on EDs to just fill that need to obsess about them.
I keep thinking: fifty-two pounds. How in God's name did she SURVIVE? That is sick, I bet she looked like hell, awful, although I'd like to see a picture of what she looked like at her different weights, even if she did in her words have skin the color of rotten meat, I'm just curious, you know.
There is a point you know, for many anorexics & bulimics, a weight that they themselves think is too thin, when they're not at that weight of course. But I can look at people horribly emaciated & think to myself how disgusting they look. But you can't look away, you know when you see something so ugly that you can't help but stare. Morbid fascination.
I've even tried to imagine, going from the picture I've seen of her (Marya Hornbacher), how she looked at fifty-two pounds.

You know I emailed her a little while back & actually got a response for her herself. That certainly was a treat, heh and I think to myself I'm glad that I don't have bipolar. Well it has it advantages, it has a whole sea of information, treatment options, resources & doctors dedicated to treating it alone. They frequently do not work, but at least people know what the fuck it is.
The surface of maladaptive daydreaming (fantasies) has barely been scratched.

Oh why don't I have some cheese with my whine? ;)

I went over had Thanksgiving, (there were not as many desserts as I thought) I didn't say much, got another "you're quiet" comment, petted a very stinky chihuahua & took a somewhat silent pride in feeling full without even eating everything on my plate.
Okay I was very proud considering that when I was at the height of my compulsive overeating phase of my disorder, I would cleaned my plate & then some.
It was my parents, my two older brothers (in their twenties), the younger one of my brother's wife & their one year-old son (my nephew) & her (my sister in-law) parents.

And you know what is the oddest thing? My sister in-law has a younger brother who's my age that isolates even more than me. Haha, makes me feel less weird! Very much like me from what I've heard from his family. He stays in his room all the time on his computer, comes out only if he needs to, loves animals, is into the hard left-wing political persuasion & almost certainly has an eating disorder (said he wasn't hungry one of the times he came out) from what I've heard.
Very thin (although you can't gauge an ED on thinness, but I don't know if thinness is his goal or not), only eats specific things measured & unprocessed & I think I once heard from someone that he said that there was no point in gorging yourself even if you were still hungry - something along those lines.
And then yesterday when me & my mom were over at my brother & my sis in-law's new house, she said that he's been up late at night eating a ton, which set of a red flag for me.

If you're going to get all diagnosy, then I'd say he's a orthorexic\anorexic & an avoidant & or schizoid.
Just cool that I know of one person similar to me in the real world.
----------------------

I was thinking about something on the way home: You know, the need for human interaction is not something that you can deny wanting forever.
Think about it this way, our bodies need vitamin C, no matter how much we hate oranges or citrus fruits, we can only go so long without before we are crying out for it whether we know it or not.
You can say how much you hate oranges, it's a drag to eat them, you don't need them.
That's bullshit. Eventually you get scurvy, eventually you become deprived & sick, you can't deny then that maybe what would help is an orange. For years, I've taken the cheap supplement, keeps the wheels turning but just isn't as good as the real thing.

Today is Thanksgiving, my mood is pretty good, the depressive veil has lifted for now.
I made a lemon meringue pie & extra mashed potatoes, there will be so many desserts there I'm a bit nervous. I want to try them all, but not at once, I want to maybe bring a few slices home so I can try them all & won't feel bad about missing any. I'm okay with the socialisng thing, I'm ready for it. And hell, Ill be in my world practically the whole time I'm there so Elaine & Paulette can giggle & laugh be lives of the party. I dyed my hair brown from blonde, lol & so did Laynie (Elaine) which is good, I couldn't picture her with blonde hair that well. She had to dye it for her TV show, I dyed mine because I hated the color.

My deep depression seems to have lifted for now, I asked my higher power to take it away.
But....... I am so *deeply* in la-la land I feel like that's where this

My fantasies are not something I do, they're WHAT I do. Often if I am in the living room talking to my parents in my head I'm pretending I'm talking to some of my "friends." So I am totally engaged while in this state. I have been so totally immersed in it that I'm lucky I've put time aside to write this as myself.
I'm sorry to whine but I feel like I'm the only one who has such a severe case of this. It's been this severe for six years, it is a total obsession. It has become my life & when I pass a mirror I am unpleasantly reminded that 'Oh damn I guess I am me, crap.'

I have been in a twelve-step program for anorexia & bulimia, you have to "surrender" yourself & your eating disorder to a higher power. Fine, take the damn thing. But my "friends..." don't you get your hands on that! That's mine! That's my LIFE!
I tried to giving it god once, but I firmly believe that that was not a true letting go, only a break where I could see what was truly wrong. You know, eating disorders are severe, life-threatening illnesses, but I'll give that up a thousand times (and that's saying ALOT, believe me I'm not taking it lightly) before my fantasies. They are so much more deeply ingrained, they're rooted in my core, it's just what I do.

I am more violently resistent to giving this up than ever, no one can take this away from me.
I cannot live as only myself, I just can't.

So where am I? Taking steps back? I'm not intending to let go my spirituality, but I just flat didn't want to call my sponser last week mostly because of the dark grey. And I haven't been emailing her what I've eaten everyday like I was.
And now I'll have to choke out tomorrow how I've been in a depression.

The world pulls so much out of you, it wants to mold you into a perfect image of its finest state.
I'm sick, so the fuck what? It's who I am, I don't need doctors & therapists & people telling me it's not healthy. It's none of their god damned buisness.

It's incredible how deeply invested I can get into my world.
To the point where I am in love with one or even two of the men I've made up.
In love. I spent three full hours in my room lastnight being with them & in my world.
That's not good, but it felt so damn to good to get out of my own skin.
Fuck my life.

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Forgive me for being melancholy, but I literally can't even fathom the idea of feeling good & content with things. The idea of being happy seems stupid to me, how in the hell could I possibly feel good while being so totally fucked up?
I know when it's bad because I stop reading. I can't concentrate on it, I flew through this book last week & now I've pretty much stopped reading it. I can't get through the last three pages. I can't write either other than on here, my other blog has barely been touched.

I am so SICK of being depressed. I have almost lost what it feels like to feel happy.
I haven't felt happy in forever. It's not black depression (I have colors by which I categorize depression).
I've mostly been grey, and it won't stop because I can't stop myself from THINKING.
Thinking about everything, questioning everything. I can't feel content in my imaginary world, as myself or even in between when I'm just silently existing. It's all falling SHORT.
I'm digging & digging & I can't take a break. I want to take a BREAK. Just rest for a week without any of these damn revelations about me being schizoid or an introvert or needing to be checked in to a loony bin.

Nothing is hitting the spot, I feel so stuck. What I am supposed to be doing is this, going deep down into myself & finding out these thins with my higher power. I am. And I must keep going but when can I have just a little spark of the contentedness back?
I keep thinking it's over the horizon, maybe tomorrow, maybe tonight, maybe next week.
But no, nothing. No matter how many god damn things I come up with I still feel grey, I'm ready for the spark. The relaxation to return. It's like now that I've turned this on I can't turn it off.

Gahhhhhhh I'm rambling....

Yellow - Euphoric
Orange - Great
Green - Average\Content
Blue - Below Average
Grey - Down
Black - Terror

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(Okay so you can't see black on this template, just run your cursor over it)

I was watching Girl, Interrupted today & it got me seriously thinking:
inside I am just like Lisa. I am an angry bitch, an angry bitch that just needs to be ticked-off.
I imagine what it'd be like to go off & tell everyone to fuck off, that maybe I don't want to be the world's version of normal.
If I had no social inhibitions I'd act much like her, blow smoke in people's faces & flirt shamelessly with the guards. Oh, sorry is this not 'allowed?'
I so motherf!cking sick of being shy, I'm sick of giving a rat's ass what people think.
I'd love, I'd LOVE to throw my voice out screaming all night at a hospital staff or whoever will listen. It gets so unfufilling shouting to myself, writing to myself.

I actually thought about coming out of my room tonight & screaming at everyone.
Not just imagined myself doing, it but briefly considered it.

I did an extensive study on schizoid personality disorder, much of the characteristics match me, and many absoluelty do not. It's the same with avoidant too, much of it is me & much is not.
I really like this list of covert & overt traits of a schizoid.
Ones that are true with me I put in bold


OVERT:
Compliant; stoic; noncompetitive; self-sufficient; lacking assertiveness; feeling inferior and an outsider in life.

COVERT:
Cynical; inauthentic; depersonalized; alternately feeling empty, robot-like and full of omnipotent, vengeful fantasies; hidden grandiosity.
Hidden grandiosity. I have that, it's something that is not comman with avoidants.
Also the very idea that I may have schizoid characteristics pleases me very much because it effects less that 1% of the general population therefore making me a special case.
Secret narcissism? I also imagine myself having heated arguments with people I know, telling them off, cussing at them & storming off in a fit of rage.

COVERT:
Withdrawn; aloof; have few close friends; impervious to others' emotions; afraid of intimacy.

OVERT:
Exquisitely sensitive; deeply curious about others; hungry for love; envious of others' spontaneity; intensely needy of involvement with others; capable of excitement with carefully selected intimates.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

COVERT:
Prefer solitary occupational and recreational activities; marginal or eclectically sociable in groups; vulnerable to esoteric movements owing to a strong need to belong; tend to be lazy and indolent.

OVERT:
Lack clarity of goals; weak ethnic affiliation; usually capable of steady work; sometimes quite creative and may make unique and original contributions; capable of passionate endurance in certain spheres of interest.

COVERT:
Asexual, sometimes celibate; free of romantic interests; averse to sexual gossip and innuendo.
Despite the moutain of dirty thoughts in my head, sometimes I act like a prude.

OVERT: Secret vouyeristic and pornographic interests; vulnerable to erotomania; tendency towards compulsive masturbation and perversions.
Compulsive no, but I do harbor secret insatiable sexual desires. (holycrapijustsaidthataloud)

COVERT:
Idiosyncratic moral and political beliefs; tendency towards spiritual, mystical and para-psychological interests.
Yeah! I am almost abnormally passionate about political issue that barely or don't even effect me. I have such deep-rooted passions it amazes me! Sheesh.

OVERT:
Moral unevenness; occasionally strikingly amoral and vulnerable to odd crimes, at other times altruistically self sacrificing.
Pretty much yes.

COVERT:
Absent-minded; engrossed in fantasy; vague and stilted speech; alternations between eloquence and inarticulateness.

OVERT: Autistic thinking; fluctuations between sharp contact with external reality and hyperreflectiveness about the self; autocentric use of language.
Am I hypereflective about myself? Hmmmm, well.... lol.

Anyway, there are many things about a schizoid personality that fit me right to the bone as well as many that don't.
I am extremely passionate & sensitive, I alternate & sometimes have an intense yearing for social contact & relationships while on the other hand I think I am just fucking fine being alone.
Also, avoidants can tend to be dependant while I have a zealous need to be indepedent & do things myself. So much of it contridicts itself, and that may be what a major problem is with me.

I've also noticed things like when they say an avoidant avoids people because fear of riducule & rejection. That is for sure a major fear for me, but I also have a bit of indifference to other people, I may be in a good mood but just feel like being alone.

I feel inept & inferior when I am in a pressing social situation, ugly, fat, awkward.
But it seems that when I'm with people I know more intimately I harbor a secret sense of arrogance toward them. Thinking that I'm smarter, more insightful, more responsible than them.
It makes little sense but I can sometimes be feeling these two things at the same time.


Almost like I'm mixed between avoidant & schizoid. Part of my isolation is about being idependant, proving that I don't need all that touchy-feely stuff that I can do just fine by myself so leave me the hell alone.
My isolation is not just rooted in a fear of rejection, and I shouldn't have to force certain labels or symptoms on me because that's what the diagnosis says.

And I know, I know. Here I am again being a know-it-all diagnosing myself & even feeling proud about the label of personality disorder. But all that aside, I know that I have some sort of disorder & I'm not going to go telling my mom or my therapist that "Guess what? I finally figured it out! I'm an avoidant-schizoid personality mixed type!"

I may seem like a hypochondriac, pointing at the symptoms & saying "Look! Look! I have this!"
I'm not claiming 100% that I have this, just that it seems very likely & well I'm very hyperreflective & like to make lists & such.

I have someone that I'm in absolute LOVE with at my my local Walmart.
Eh, I don't even know his name, but I plan to eventually look at his name tag.
It's not like anything could happen though since I'm always there with my parents (just learning how to drive) & of course there's my oh whaddya-callit shyness?
Anyway, I was very sad today because I got to go back there & he wasn't there.
But you know I got butterflies in my stomach (although they don't feel anything like butterflies WTF?) & very nervous when I thought I might actually see him.
I got so nervous that for a little bit I decided I hoped I didn't see him, my mouth got dry & I couldn't concentrate on what I was supposed to be getting.
I wasn't sure I was going to see him it was kind of late, but wow I don't think I've ever felt quite like this before.

My natural reaction to this is to create a character in my world based off of him & I kind of have but damnit it's not the same. I don't get butterflies & dry mouth from pretending, it's so boring compared to the real thing.
I don't have much experience with the real thing but I may want to try it.
It is so frustrating when the fantasies just don't hit the spot, the real thing may be better, terrifying, but better.
On the way to the store I imagined an un-disordered fantasy about myself walking through the store by myself & running into him, smiling & saying "Hi" & him saying hi back.
The concept fills me with adrenaline & giggly excitement.

I'm stuck between a rock & a hard place.

I keep having dreams where I'm socialising normaly. They're freaking great dreams!
I used to typically dream about my fantasies now those dreams are crossing over to something else. But I'm still fantasising heavily, I keep dreaming that I'm one of the employees in
The Office & I work right near Angela. And me & her don't have much in common except for cats. Then I think I remember Andy works near too. I really like that show because the people in it act like people actually act instead of the average slapstick sitcom.

I guess I'm a bit too invested in the show, lol. If I fantasize about working there as either Elaine or an offshoot of myself I'm most likely to keep that in my head, I don't know why.
I have my one main world that I like to think of as reality & all other fantasies are just fantasies, they don't actually "happen" in my main world.
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Also, I've thought about it & I've decided that I am not going to increase my dosage of Cymbalta from 60mg to 90mg. I don't care what my doc says, I know my depression is situational. And I'm not going to raise the dose because I'm experiencing pain that I need to feel.
I'm happy with the 60mg, it does wonderfully at keeping me grounded & that's that.
I will not raise my dose, of course I didn't have the guts to tell my doctor that. Hmmm.

So this is the list. The list of all my characters in my world, as you may see I am hung up on heights & of course weights (that manifested as my eating disorder did, when I gave them all weights). And my somewhat romantic view of mental disorders has lead me to give a few to my characters.



Laney* 5ft 10in 31yrs 124lbs Anorexia\Bulimia\Bipolar\Self-Injury
Justine* 5ft 7.25in 28yrs 13?
Malisa 5ft 3in 32yrs
Desiree* 5ft 0 75.in 30yrs 97lbs Anorexia (has years in recovery)
Ilsa* 5ft 2.5in 27yrs 128lbs Binge eating\Obsessive yo-yo dieting
Anfisa 6ft 0in 29yrs
Mimi 5ft 4.25in 15yrs 117lbs Histrionic PD\Antisocial PD
Paulette* 5ft 9in 26yrs 122lbs

Maurice*6ft 0.5in 34yrs
Dominique*6ft 3.75in 37yrs 187lbs Binge drinking
Anatoliy 6ft 1in 52yrs
Joel*5ft 10in 36yrs 145lbs Drug abuse\Bipolar\Bulimia\Self-Injury
Daniel*5ft 10.50in 28yrs
Jason 6ft 0.75in 34yrs
Kuro 5ft 9.50in 29yrs
Jacob*6ft 0in 18yrs 149lbs Drug abuse\Anorexia\Bulimia\Depression


I actually have alot more people than that, those are just the ones I most actively use now.

I put stars by the ones I use like all the time. It's weird, it almost acts like a soap opera where I'll be real into a few people one day & then into someone else the next. I cycle through who's life I'm most interested in focusing on at the time.
Anfisa is someone I haven't "used" in awhile but at one point she was anorexic & 103lbs.
She's been off in Europe somewhere recovering so she's at a much healthier weight.
I don't why I never got really into using her. As you can see I devote more time to the women's weight, lol. I make estimates on some of them, I don't want to set an exact weight for eevvvvverybody, lol.

I phase some in & out at times, getting really into using one then getting bored with them.
It is alot like a soap opera, a few years ago I had an almost entirely different "cast" that was set in a whole other location.

Almost sounds crazy when I put it on paper. ;)

You know my mom mentioned to me earlier about patients (she is a nurse) who are in love with their pain. That they romanticize it & eventually when they are without it they feel without a cause. Oh crap, I think I am one of those people. I like the title of being crazy or avoidant or "personality disorder." I am a secret narcissist. It's weird how I can have these secret thoughts of loving the feeling of being important by having a disorder. A part of me is in love with it, in fact I have a sense of pride when me & my therapist talk about my social anxiety (when I want the diagnosis of avoidant damnit!) when I think to myself "That's only half the story/If you only knew." It's ridiculous when I think about it, as ridiculous as being proud to deprive my body of food & fantasise about sporting an emaciated body.

I wonder how many people like me have secret (secret meaning we don't want to come off as self-centered so we keep these thoughts to ourselves) narcissistic patterns.

I mean, myself unwalled & in reality is someone who has an obsession with her illness & feels a sense of pride from having so much insight that the "normies" don't.
Considering I am an utter expert on my "condition" I think I am in love with my pain.
Also that fact that my problems are getting better overall I feel a sense of loss because part of me likes to suffer & spill out my guts of the horror of avoidant\maladaptive daydreaming life.

I wonder I wonder... this may not makes sense but if I didn't hate being the center of attention I'd love it.
Like, I've wondered what it'd be like to check into a mental health hospital (Girl, Interrupted gave me the idea). I've thought that I'd be the most put-together nut of the bunch.

Ridiculous isn't it?

I'm just a self-hating narcissist. XD

I half-assed planned a "share" at my ABA meeting lastnight. I spat out & cried whatever I could about being socially isolated (I said that they were my only, ONLY social outing & only friends) & that I'd led a pretty isolated life. It was embarrassing to say it aloud.
But after writing my last post yesterday I was in so much pain by meeting time I sort of planned to say all that. Obviously there was alot I didn't say, but I was feeling so dark, so black inside I felt I had to. You know that feelings, like there's a dark pit in your neck & chest.
And I know all of this (I said that lastnight) is what's supposed to happen. This is what I've been blocking all this time.

After meeting I got hugs & gawwwwd that felt good. And one of the girls there (who must be 21-22?) told me that she's never had a boyfriend & the only time she'd kissed a guy was when she was drunk. Made me feel like I wasn't the odd man out, I mean I can tell she doesn't have as many social issues as I do, but she said she's just real nervous around guys she might like.
I even gave her a hug too, and the black pit in my chest has lulled.
Although I do feel somewhat depressed today, the color is gray not pitch black. Which I will take

Is starting to get to me I think. The average age that a girl loses her virginity is just under 16 (which I think is too young).
Physical relationships are very present in my fantasies, and more so as I've gotten older.
I mean, in a world where girls are starting puberty younger than ever (I began my period at ten, began the first signs of maturation at nine) girls are doing things their minds aren't ready for.

I'd always been terrified I'd be one of them. It makes sense when I think about it, I feel the same way about eating as I do about sex. I'm afraid if I ever do it I won't be able to control myself & become a slut. You know, just like if I have a piece of cake I won't be able to control myself & eat the whole thing. I guess it stems from the bimbos my older brothers dated as I was growing up, I was certain that I'd become one of them unless I resisted all romantic contact with men.

There is one guy I keep thinking about, he works at the bank inside the local Walmart.
I don't know his name (need to look at the name tag) but I look for him everytime I'm there.
I love that exciting feeling you get when you think you might get to see him & when you do & you feel your heart drop. It feels so good.
But makes me sad because I know that's as far as I have ever, ever gotten to a relationship.
And I feel like that's as far as I ever will get. I mean, when this happens my natural instinct is make up a role for him in my fantasies, but it's just not the same.

The older I get, the more they fail to satisfy what really want. It is so aggravating, no matter how into my imagining I am, it can't satisfy that yearning.
It's not working anymore. I want the real thing, but I can't, I don't know how.
My real self is trapped behind a wall when it comes to socialising.
I've been suppressing everything for so long... I mean I keep having these recurrent dreams where I am screaming at someone I so mad. Last night I dreamt that I was shrieking & crying at my parents to get me to my therapist's appointment because I have to see her.
I mean I'm swearing, crying, hitting things & just going nuts & it feels so good.

There is red-hot rage contained inside me, it baffles me how much is in there.
I also dreamt a few days ago that I was stealing something from a store & when I got caught I didn't feel I had done anything wrong. Because I've grown up so poor I felt like (and do feel like) I am entitled to it, that god damnit I have been denied so many opportunities I can steal some hair care product I am ENTITLED you fat-cat motherf---ers.

The real me behind all this social phobia is quite opinionated, brash & even narcissistic.
Someday I truly believe I will explode (remember Annie on 90120? the volcano?).

Anger is an understatement, it is fury. Literally fury at everything.

I called my ABA (Anorexics & Bulimics Anonymous) sponsor tonight to check in for the week.
I called at about 6:30 tonight & left a message & she'll usually call back at 7:30 or so.
But she didn't & I instantly felt that since her life is full of recovery & wonder (and she's dating this new guy which she's "falling for") & that since that I'm just so very insignificant & that she has much better things to do than talk to me as I struggle to get the conversation over with.
It's not that I dislike her, it's just that.... well I'm jealous. I am, I know I am.
I want a life like hers. And the last thing I want to be is a burden to anyone, so I make as little of myself apparent as possible.

I went to a chatroom & talked about this & other stuff then she called, it was about 10:00 then & chose not to answer it. Partly because it was late, but mostly because somehow I was punishing her for not calling me back sooner & for having a better life than me. I have not a confrontational bone in my body, and I have ways of subtly punishing people, and they never have a clue when they're being punished.
As I just wrote that I started to laugh, how ridiculous is that!?
Punishing her for having a better life & a boyfriend? How dare she, without asking poor ol' me?
*Slaps forehead*

I also spoke to my therapist yesterday who I will finally be able to see again on Tuesday.
I left her tearful message the night before detailing my realisation about my isolation & shyness.
She agreed that it's more than shyness & could tell that she may have been thinking disorder.
But one thing at a time, I have no intention of letting the fantasies bomb drop yet. I haven't even cleared the rubble from letting it drop on myself.

What's been driving me so buggy ever since it dropped is the chicken & the egg question: which came first. the imaginary world or the avoidant personality?
Did my avoidance lead me to develop another world, or did my other world lead me to have an avoidant life? Or maybe something between that?

This is the question that hurts so badly; why. F---ing WHY!?!?!?!
Not why me, just why?

I am quite preoccupied with the past, thinking back to how it used to be & trying to recreate it at times. And now I remember my state a year ago, just about to go head first into the chaos of bulimia. I was literally a different person, totally on the dark about myself, trying to drown out that truth with peanut butter crackers. It sucked, it really did. Luckily I went into treatment just about as soon as my bulimia began. I thought therapy would save me, it wasn't the answer although I love my therapist. I sort of miss the darkness, they say ignorance is bliss, I miss that ignorance.

Implosion, Marya Hornbacher talked about it. That's what anorexia is, and ultimately if were not recovering that's probably where I'd end up.
The eating disorder goes right along with the fantasies. Utter disassociation, numbness & control. Getting rid of that avoidant, hypersensitive personality by starving it away. Maybe then the fantasies won't matter, the isolation & loneliness.

I've been in imaginary land as much I was before, I took a hiatus after I admitted it (admitted to God that we were powerless...) to myself. I expected it to return though, but now I feel almost guilty as if I let it return. But I have no power, it is so deeply ingrained in my head a life without barely seems like a possibility in this realm. My eating disorder's roots are no where near as long as my fantasies' are.
My natural state is unnatural, me as I like to be is pretending to be someone else. It comes to me more naturally than being me is.

How do I change that? For me, being told to "be yourself" takes on a totally different meaning.
I don't know who the f!@# I am. All I know is that I don't like her, she's boring, undeserving & sick. If I'm going to be someone with a mental illness I'll be the girl in my fantasies & have bipolar, I'm not as stigmatized about bipolar as I am about my own illness.
I know, I have a stigma on myself. I view myself as a flawed being, just wrong. Wrong.

I want a break from this mess of a mind.

I am so tired of being myself. It's not that I'm particularly depressed, I'm just so bored with me.
I have never really liked myself, I still really don't. It's such a drag, I feel like such a drag.
And because of that I've been spending as much time as possible in fantasy land, too much time.

I guess I can open up about the specifics of it now. In my younger days I'd often pretend I was me, just in another time, doing something else. Then I erased myself completely, I've never even truly decided if in my fantasy world if I myself exist somewhere else.
My favorite person to pretend to be is a 31 year-old writer who is extraordinarily beautiful, sociable, talented, tall (five-ten, while I'm a mere five-foot) & a well-respected writer.

What's so intriguing to me about it is that her life is not all candy & roses, she too has\had an eating disorder as well as bipolar disorder. But I guess why I always have plenty of the nasty stuff is because in her world she can handle it, and it's not so big that it can actually hurt me.

If I get a little tired of the bad situation I've created I can just go to another on, a previous "storyline" I've done in the past which I've enjoyed. It's all real-life situations, but she is so much better than me. Her hair stays straight & she's traveled all over the world because she can handle it.

Tomorrow I'm handing out candy at my brother's house in town.
I'm excited but also nervous that this may be one of those times where I'm all geared up to do something social & when it happens I'm shy & agitated.

But I'll try, they're only children after all. All I have to do is smile & say "Great costume! Are you a witch?" I can do that, can't I? And besides, I'll be behind a wig & costume, Cleopatra to be precise. If my "wall" (my overwhelmingshyness, it is a brick wall) gets in the way I will be extremely angry. Angry that this stupid problem is inconveniencing me, angry that is may stop me from having fun. I want to smash that wall, I want to break it like Berlin Wall.
Revolution. No more tyranny, no more isolation, no more sadness. I want it to crumble, I don't want to have a door, I don't want it to have a hole, I don't want IT at all. No wall, no shyness, no fear.

I want a treat, not a trick. I will be standing at my wall saying trick or treat, if it says trick I'll say "wrong answer!"
Confidence & assertion, not typically a characteristic of me, but only because of the wall.

You know, I'd give anything to not have this. I'd rather have any other mental disorder\illness or whatever the fuck this is. The old the grass is greener on the other side thing, I know it's not true but my god this is too much (my stomach is too big! it's too much!).

And it used to be so simple, just a year or two ago I could just pretend in my world & let all the worries of the future be clouded by the better universe.
So wonderful, where I'm loved, I'm a social butterfly & I don't hate be hugged & loved. Just stay in your room where it all flows into you, sweet cushioning dreams of the life you want, the person you want to be. Then snap back to reality where you're alone, isolated & afraid of how the real thing might be. At least in my fantasy I have control, I can't actually get hurt.
Then you realise one day that your sickening desires for such decadent, selfish things such as love, friendship & courage have created a hole, which you filled by eating. And then you saw it, how crazy & wild your desires are, the mirror, it tells no lies, you've become a large thing (it's too much).
Too much here, too much there, control yourself! Take it away, become as thin as you can be, cease to exist.

I remember how I first came to see myself as I was, at least physically, it was a substitute for the real thing (the real thing could bite me!), but nonetheless I saw how my actual self was & sought to destroy it. To implode, to carve away an imperfect body to carve away an imperfect soul. To make the pain move from soul to skin, to attempt to fix it by addressing your physical existence as the root of all evils.

I see myself as so naive then. Ignorance is bliss, but we can't stay in the dark forever, and when the ignorance lifts you have all this nasty stuff underneath. It's ugly, it's disorganised, it hurts.
I finally see the person who inside is crying because she is so empty & wants the real companionship that the rest of the population takes for granted. I see the person who (with those decadent, selfish wants & needs) wants to go to a movie with the neighbour girl without being terrified of doing or saying wrong thing (will she like me? am I too boring?) & then saying "Oh nevermind I'll just go to a movie with my other friends."

And now, I cannot stop it all, stop it from circling in my head like a mad donkey, around & around it goes. It enters my head late at night, when the dust settles from the day & all the information about myself stares me clear in the face. I am up tonight because of this, I am writing right now because of this. It won't leave my head, it insists on being rowdy, so I put it out there. Okay, I'm dealing with you.
I feel stuck, I want a cure, yes a CURE. And I want it now, I don't want the touchy-feely sessions with the therapist asking what my thoughts & feelings are about this & how this is long process.
I don't want to be scared that I'll wind up a lonely failure, I don't want my fantasies (but they are so soft, not like that pesky real world that everyone insists I live in). But that has never been how it works, oh the hell well.

This mental disorder is really a huge inconvenience, I mean, damnit it pisses me off.
And you may think that I've come so far, I have. That I have terrific insights, I think I do.
But even if you know every corner of your psyche it's not automatically fixed.
You can spot & analyze everything wrong with your car & you can drive it knowing that the transmission is bad, the steering wheel is lose & the break light is out.
But knowing it's there does not fix it, obviously.

Where to go? I'm trying to find out. Trying my hardest.

(I cannot take credit for the lines: to carve away an imperfect body to carve away an imperfect soul. To make the pain move from soul to skin. That was originally written by Marya Hornbacher.)

When I took this test it was the very first time I had heard of Avoidant Personality Disorder.
My result on Avoidant was high, but that didn't phase me too much. It was when I read the description of it & read the part about elaborate fantasy lives that I thought "Oh yeah that's probably what I have." I know my shyness is not normal, I know I just know it's AvPD, but why am I making such a big deal out of it?
I must sound like such a hypochondriac, like "Oh, this is MY illness - I'm an Avoidant!" I'm not proud to have it, it's just nice to have name for for my oddities.
And besides I've looked at all the other similar "disorders"

Paranoid Personality: I'm a little paranoid, but it doesn't keep me awake, I'm not suspicious of everyone.
Schizoid Personality: One big difference; Schizoids don't exactly want social relationships, I yearn for them.
Dependent Personality: I'm afraid of having to make it on my own yes, I'd rather stay a kid sometimes, but on the other hand I want to be self-sufficient, I want to move to France & live all by myself, lol.
Schizotypal Personality: Are you freaking kidding me?
Social Anxiety: It's too mild, and I do stuff like watch the reaction of people I'm talking to & well of course the fantasies, it's just more severe than that.


Now, if you would like to hear me go on even more about how I have AvPD then continue to read, if not & you see no point in me pointing out that it doesn't matter than you may exit.
It also happens that I have always been interested in psychology so this comes naturally.

Although one thing I do not have is panic attacks, I have never had one. I have had anxiety attacks where I've been breathing heavily & quite upset, but that is not a panic attack.
I remember a year ago I signed up to take some Summer classes at a church for photography & some other stuff. After I had already been to some of them I had become quite overwhelmed by shyness that I was sitting on my bed one night thinking about how I didn't want to have to go back there & feel self-concious around all those other kids & I started breathing heavily & saying "Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh My God. Oh my God."
I haven't had alot of them, probably because I avoid them. Hahaha.
I also have a habit of sometimes agreeing to social things & swearing to myself that I won't be shy, I tell myself I'll be like I am here, with my (close, live-in) family & then I am never able to do it & feel like a failure & all the like.

Here are my quiz results:

Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Moderate
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: Low
Narcissistic: Low
Avoidant: Very High
Dependent: Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive: High

Every one of those I agree with it so happens.

I f-ing hate it, I sometimes wish I were Narcissistic or Histrionic. Those are alot more interesting, I'd have more friends & would probably be an over-achiever than one who's scared of achieving too much ('cause then things will get bad!).

So I'm here typing late at night when I should be in bed, trouble is is that when I lay down to sleep all the painful thoughts cloud my brain. Sleep has become troubled for me, not only the bizarre dreams I seem to have been having for the past few months, but the actual act of falling asleep.
It's when my mind is finally still after a day of trying to fill it up with other things. But when my head hits that pillow it all tries to make its way through.
I have let it through, I had a few nights where I stayed up half the night going through periods of utter quiet & near hysetria as it all surfaced. I've learned the hard way that it must not be stuffed down, or chaos will eventually be the end result.

What you might ask, is a lifetime of loneliness, not having friends, wanting friends, being scared of friends, the secrets about myself that I keep so cleverly hidden, a missing cat, the fact that I, yes I have a mental illness.
And to top it off my mom couldn't afford to pay my therapist so I couldn't see her today & I am one of those rare few who loves their shrink. I was seeing her every week, now every two weeks.

I sometimes feel like I may explode one day, do something the complete opposite of me & just lose it ("Fuck you all! I hate you! I hate me! You're all clueless! Did you ever think that maybe I'm sick inside? Leave me alone! Fuck you all!")
I hope it doesn't come to that, but in a way it would feel so good.