Here I am..... apparently
Posted by Comman_Anomaly | Posted in | Posted on Tuesday, October 27, 2009
So I'm here typing late at night when I should be in bed, trouble is is that when I lay down to sleep all the painful thoughts cloud my brain. Sleep has become troubled for me, not only the bizarre dreams I seem to have been having for the past few months, but the actual act of falling asleep.
It's when my mind is finally still after a day of trying to fill it up with other things. But when my head hits that pillow it all tries to make its way through.
I have let it through, I had a few nights where I stayed up half the night going through periods of utter quiet & near hysetria as it all surfaced. I've learned the hard way that it must not be stuffed down, or chaos will eventually be the end result.
What you might ask, is a lifetime of loneliness, not having friends, wanting friends, being scared of friends, the secrets about myself that I keep so cleverly hidden, a missing cat, the fact that I, yes I have a mental illness.
And to top it off my mom couldn't afford to pay my therapist so I couldn't see her today & I am one of those rare few who loves their shrink. I was seeing her every week, now every two weeks.
I sometimes feel like I may explode one day, do something the complete opposite of me & just lose it ("Fuck you all! I hate you! I hate me! You're all clueless! Did you ever think that maybe I'm sick inside? Leave me alone! Fuck you all!")
I hope it doesn't come to that, but in a way it would feel so good.
It's when my mind is finally still after a day of trying to fill it up with other things. But when my head hits that pillow it all tries to make its way through.
I have let it through, I had a few nights where I stayed up half the night going through periods of utter quiet & near hysetria as it all surfaced. I've learned the hard way that it must not be stuffed down, or chaos will eventually be the end result.
What you might ask, is a lifetime of loneliness, not having friends, wanting friends, being scared of friends, the secrets about myself that I keep so cleverly hidden, a missing cat, the fact that I, yes I have a mental illness.
And to top it off my mom couldn't afford to pay my therapist so I couldn't see her today & I am one of those rare few who loves their shrink. I was seeing her every week, now every two weeks.
I sometimes feel like I may explode one day, do something the complete opposite of me & just lose it ("Fuck you all! I hate you! I hate me! You're all clueless! Did you ever think that maybe I'm sick inside? Leave me alone! Fuck you all!")
I hope it doesn't come to that, but in a way it would feel so good.
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